and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Can you repeat that, but with context?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
