Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
