i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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