I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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