My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i came on her dog
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
