I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
