I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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