My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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