Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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