I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I touched a dick in church today
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
