I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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