i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
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