it's too hot outside to masturbate.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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