Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
