She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
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All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
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I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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