Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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