I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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