Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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