What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
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I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
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So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
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