how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
