He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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