Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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