my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
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I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
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There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
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I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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