Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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