Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
