ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
