I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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