I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
