its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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