he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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