You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
