Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize