i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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