I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
