He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
