He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
