I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
