Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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