new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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