Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
