Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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