I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
