Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
