You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
