This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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