Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
