The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
