Betty ford says i'm here all night
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm bleeding and have questions
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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