I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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