So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
