I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Thank you for not boning my boss.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
