When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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