Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
