I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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