bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
